29 Apr 2008, Tuesday, 11:50 pm

I think I'm suffering from some mental illness.

I were feeling very tired at work one day, so I decide to hide somewhere to take a rest. After closing my eye, I felt something crawling on my arm. Small little legs climbing on your arm. I opened my eyes, and saw a red bug-like thing. Startled, I quickly swept it off. After a few seconds, I wondered what kind of bug did is that, and searched for it. It was nowhere to be found. A red bug.

Hallucination?

Then, after a pep talk from my supervisor at work about our IAP punch-list. Gone through it and the tiresome discussion on the tasks and projects. I went to have a can of coffee. Half-way through, I almost felt like throwing it. Trashing it on a gutter. I could almost see the coffee splatter all over the place and on the side of the car which was parked beside the gutter. I managed to get a hold of myself, still sitting on the bench which is on the other side of the covered gutter.

I don't know where this goes. I wonder when will I really break down.. Truly broken up into a thousand pieces. I clearly over-estimated my ability to mend myself, instead it is merely concealed.

Bah! Idiot Green didn't reply my sms. Guessed it was not too important.

Alicia! Get well soon. Brace yourself and be who you are. Keep those restrains till you get older. Do whatever you want to do now. Going abroad to study or any other matters. You won't be young and impulsive a second time after a decade. :)

Goodnight to all. My beloved friends.

Saturday 26 Apr 2008, 2:45 pm

Half day IAP is a waste of time. The worse part is having nothing to look forward to. It is Saturday but I couldn't find a leisure activity. I should really get used to loner activities.

Anyway, being at work and signed up for some company's "reader digest". It is all engineering stuffs, and sciences and, many of what I don't even know of. Man, I feel like I haven't studied before. Conclusion : I'm still dumb.

Alright. Short post. See ya~

Alright. Sat 26 Apr 2008 1 am.

Way past my sleeping time, but I was enjoying myself playing dota with my friends. Not winning, but enjoying. Sadly. My pride is drowned by the amount of things that I had lost and lost in.

That aside, I just found out that all my activities for Saturday are canceled. Tons of vulgarities came spurting out of me but fine, lets not bring it here. I rather go out with Green. At least she isn't THAT fickle-minded. All of you guys aren't guys.

Updates :
Green said that her phone is gone, dead. So I couldn't sms her. [Point A ] I kinda miss her.........smses. ( ^_^ ). IAP can be a hell of boring times. ( -_-||)

Alicia came back from London. So, Hao, Vin Vin, Alicia, and me went out today on Thurs. Caught The Hotti and The Notti. It wasn't as bad as the reviews said, though I agree some parts are really off-point/what-the-heck moments. Most importantly, it is fun because we made time for each other. What are friends for? To say you're too busy every time they ask you out? LoL ( Random thoughts)

The only form of entertainment now in the company is to email Piyo. Talking crap or complaining to each other "REALLY" helps a lot. But I also seems to realize that I'm actually not feeling too good emotionally.

Uncertainty + Jealousy. Uncertain of what I want, not going for it, not pursing it and might possibly lose the opportunity. Jealousy in seeing others in happiness, appears nonchalant but seeking it desperately and attempt to prevent others from getting it. I am what I snubbed. Irony. ( Rust = FeO2 = Iron * 2[Oxygen], thus Y = Oxygen/2 )

"Irony = Iron * Oxygen/2 " - Joseph Ng Jun Wei

Ah, yes. I went back to NYP on Wednesday after IAP to check out the Judo club and also Green. By the time I arrived in school, most of them left or are leaving for dinner. Thus I ended up going with them to eat at Newton. I didn't see Green at the piano ensemble, which either mean that I went to the wrong venue or she didn't go. I couldn't get to her either as "Refer to Point A".

Newton food is absolutely delicious in proportion with their price. Period. Nuff said. Piece of advice : Bring lots of female friends and share the bill. :P

Good. Nigh... Morning. 1:33 am

5:48 pm Monday 21 Apr 2008

I'm still in the office waiting for a company transport. Man. It must have been a bad choice to think...... ah nvm. My laziness pwnt me. My head spins due to stress, commitment, and...and.... I don't know. This would probably be a post of nothingness but words that even I won't comprehend when I managed to calm down.

THINK. . . need to calm dooooooooooooooooooown.

Anyway, I was busy with the freaking documentation the whole day. It was smooth til I get to some websites that aren't user-friendly or of any use at all. Managed to inch my progress every hour til I feel like going home at 4. Luckily Alicia asked me out today for a gathering which gives me a goal, but now it became a stress as I'm going to be late! ARGH! Spins. Moreover, as I stayed back, Marcus managed to talk to me on SKYPE! ARGH! =/ I should had ran off from here.

Sigh. I need to chill. CHILL! I don't like this job. I want to know more stuffs. I rather learn how to chop trees down to make those documentation papers than to compiling them. I think I need to go for R&D industries where they don't make you do brain-less work routine.

HOW IN THE HECK! 6PM NO TRANSPORT YET? Sigh. It is my fault. MINE!

My heart is in a mess. My brain is blended. My body is fine. No one knows what's wrong with me!

Ok. Emo? Depression? :P Bye.

Ok, so I went jogging earlier, around 10 pm. That's the route that I took. I guess it is approx. 3.8km. Hopefully, and I managed to not stop once. Sweet. Guess eating lunches and meals even if you aren't hungry helps keep your body in good condition.

Anyway, 10:55 pm Sunday 20th Apr 2008.

Promised Green to go out study with her yesterday, and so I did. Had hotcakes, flooded with maple syrup for breakfast, then we went down to Orchard in search of the library at Taka. Shit. I guess I haven't been in town for quite some time. Or at least the library there or that isn't there. We managed to find a place at Starbucks. She studied and did her homework while I read her comics and enjoyed my iced caramel macchiato.Then we went to have lunch after getting tickets for The Other Boleyn Girl, even though we aren't hungry. ( This is a good habit. )

I didn't know the show was about historical events until half way through it. It is about how King of England broke off with Roman Catholic Church for a girl, who managed to tempt him, and caused havoc around her family and England. I guess the King's senses were shrouded by his micro tadpoles.

And then and then and then, -back to first paragraph and picture-

Mood. Excellent. No more moody Sunday which I stays at home and thinks the unthinkable. Saturday was excellent too.Work -> Polar, gayness -> Green, dinner, walking around -> Polar, Leo, Forbidden Kingdom, LOL. That gay show.... man................. you must watch it! And you must be Chinese to be able understand how hilarious it is!

Ah 11:15 pm, time to get my shower and sleep. Long day ahead. Goodnight.

Ah, frustrating week. Agonizing.

Friday 1113 pm 18 April 2008

Just came back from dinner with my family and Aunt. Vista Kitchen's food is still up to standard. Chili crabs nice. Fried prawns yummy. Kangkong belachan with cuttlefish not bad.

I finished Blood Rock already. Nice. I don't know if I really like the book but at least I didn't stop reading it like I did with Harry Potter : Order of Phoenix. I spent times meant for sleep to read this book. Nevertheless, I can finally sleep with a peace of mind.

Job : Ah, the event sort of just tided over. Nothing much. Just an explanation letter to Marcus and he replied formally to me, and I believed, BCC to everyone relevant in this case. Editing pictures and stuffs are really getting into my head. It makes me sleepy, and feel like sidetracking alot. Experimenting. Sigh. I'm really absent minded. I kept forgetting to keep my equipment. My mind doesn't seem to understand that I wasn't really working there and it is not my "Area" over there. Messy guy I am.

I will be doing documentation next week, unfortunately, it will be as boring as hell. At least after learning how to really do it, and it is a really big pile of documents and books to convert to PDF files. Alright. I think I am the convertor of the company. First, it was scans into nice powerpoint animations, then there is photographs into powerpoint pictures, and NOW ta-da documents/catalogues into PDF files. Someone got to do it right? Ya~

About my mood, I'm rather peaceful today, and wasn't desperately seeking attention either. Blood Rock was my entire focus today. I didn't mail/sms Xinyi at work (neither did she ) and didn't sms Green either, or anyone of particular. Beside getting bored at work for a short period of time before I start messing around with a bit of calculations and running of some devices. Not much of an objective. The others that I felt that have some kind of objectives or learning opportunities are all stuck somewhere, or given to others to do.

Went jogging with Caryn on Wednesday. I think we jogged approx. 6km. Man. She beat me hands down. My stamina is so bad that it makes me think that I had really wasted 3 years of my life idling it away, thinking that I am so successful in life with a CCA and a girlfriend. Neglected my studies and now feel like a total dumb ass who is still stuck with secondary school knowledge. Neglected my CCA after getting a girlfriend, and now feel exactly the same as above. Losing the girlfriend after all this amplified the combination of 2.

What's life when you don't live it for yourself?

=/ Ok. How did I managed to get to that from jogging.... shit...Zz...

Ok. Sleep early, think less. Night all.

1025pm Tuesday.

Anger. All too timely. Signing of a frigging document and a call from Marcus. I guess that's what they need to get me on the neck. All the well. Welcome Fujicon Engineering IT staffs. Welcome to my splendid blog.

A private blog. Not anymore. I guess I have to cover up myself with layers of lies and shit to get out of this. Is this the working society? Where everyone hides behind, looking for whatever penny you drop, and replace it with whatever crap they have.

Who can I trust now? Everyone's hiding behind their lies and shit, or a beautiful smile or sweet face. It doesn't matter. They never bare their hearts to you. Never ever, even if they make an effort to smile in front of you, while talking to you, or while simply look at yngou. They don't really care. A conversation can end with a phone call. A walk together can end with turning backs. What can I say? I felt it since the first day? I tried to believe that everyone's true, but it seems that as one grows older, the harder for them to really open up themselves.

Those who don't really look at you, don't talk to you. I believe they are the one who won't spend time digging holes for you, as they most probably be digging for others in their path. I have no will to vie with anyone, nor outdo anyone. I just want to do what I can to my best knowledge. If anyone thinks I'm overdoing something, tell me. I will stop. If I'm breaking their rules, tell me. If I'm stepping on their toes, tell me. So I can remove my feet before they try to break my neck.

Anger. No. Sadness. Despair. I see no future in this. This pitiful world.

Why do I feel such immense emotion? Why am I tearing? Why do I care about a bunch of hypocrites? Why do I even feel guilty, depressed while trying to condemn them? Why am I still tearing?

My heart is indeed lost. As I placed values on the wrong stuffs.

I'm blogging at work again.

Tuesday 1130pm, I'm not working hard at work though I had thought of it. Ended up lazing around in the store, toilet, office, in front of the laptop, reading forums, reading blogs, smsing, thinking lots of crap, think too much, and finally think that I'm wasting my life sitting around, in office working.

I can't really imagine what my life will be like 10 years down the road. Working? Slogging all the way without really getting anything but money so that I can get something down the mall? Remember the times when people, movies, family and friends asked you about your dreams and what you would want to be when you grow up? I don't really see anyone that cares about that anymore when they grew up.

12pm, random thoughts and a bit of packaging made 30mins flew like an ion moving towards an opposite-charged plate. Yeah, crappy metaphor. Been doing a lot of that. Anyway, it is lunch-time now.

I can't say I feel sad, but I can't say I feel positively happy.

1211, I just went to the lobby and received a parcel. Anyway, I'm not having lunch again. Don't need the extra energy I think. I must get a healthy alternative for breakfast, nasi lemak isn't that healthy, and it is getting on my vomit nerve. Eating too much of that. ><

Went out with Green yesterday to Kinokuniya. Actually it was supposed to be an afternoon meeting but it ended up with me over-sleeping and thus we only reach there around 9pm. She bought 5 books, 4 thick ones and I got myself 1. Finally, something that I can read, and no more wandering in the library for now. Maybe Green read my blog and thought of this method to get me a book indirectly. Haha.

On my oversleep part, I was sorry because I only reached home and settled down around 1pm to rest after a whole night of cycling. All the way from ECP to Changi Village. Park connectors rock. Had nasi lemak over there for breakfast. It was around 5am. ( OH MY FRIGGING GOD)

It was a whole night of fun. Me, Tony, Vincent Ang, D.D, Edmond ( Ed's blading O.o ) took photos, enjoy the night scenery (planes, stars , forests), enjoy the cool breeze and enjoy each other's company. No one complained or whined, just cycled on and on with me playing an "inspiring" song on my phone. =D

We spotted a python on a road near to Changi Beach Park. I wanted to wrap it up and put it in my bike basket but received strong objections of fear and care from them( Other pythons, nah.. friends ). But, we managed to take some pictures with "it" :D It was just lying around, seemingly to be full from what observed to be rather large bumps in its slimy body.

On the same road (on the way back ), I received an encouraging message from my IAP boss who was leaving for Shanghai. Cool. Perhaps I saw his plane took off. :P I wished him bon voyage and he asked me to sleep early. lol. He knows I can't stop sleeping at work. Finally we felt tired and slogged our way back to the rental shop. Took a water+powder bath, we felt refreshed and waited for the shop to open. Then, we went down to Macs to have breakfast. Ed treated us with his shocking 2.7k Mac points, using up around 2k of it. Thanks Ed.

We slogged to Marine Parade and took 966 back to Woodlands before splitting. Fun.

Long entry today. :D I feel like cycling again this Saturday.

Alright. Saturday 12.04.08

Went through half day IAP today. Woke up and saw Alicia's sms from Italy. :D Alright~ But I was dazed in the morning due to the lack of sleep thus I managed to reply her when I'm on my way back home later in the afternoon. :D Good thing she didn't forget about me.

Couldn't get people to come out today. Even though I was tired, I didn't want to spend time cooping up at home. I thought I, polar, ks and jw are going out in the evening to go celebrate jw's brother's birthday but then I was informed that polar and ks not going as it is too far too expensive, according to jw. Man. How much does it cost? Moreover JW had a change of plan to cut cost, which is to celebrate at heng's place, then we know that polar's going out. Sigh.

And thus, I dragged myself home, walking in the little afternoon drizzle. I felt down. Serious. Am I the only one who people can find to go out any day any time with just a simple call/message? Oh wait, I know there is Leo who is willing to come out anytime. =/ I can't express my confused feelings anymore. I don't want to make my friends angry with an angry confused post of mine anyway.

Forced myself to sleep. ( Not really, since I AM tired. [Guess no one appreciates me anyway. =P]) Lol. I dreamt of Alicia. Is it in the afternoon or during last night....ah... can only remember vaguely. There is supposed to be a story with it or something, and some several other friends. Ha.

There will be a time when I will change my phone number, my life and many other stuffs. I will not inform anyone. I will be gone. I wouldn't be around for anyone anymore. Meaningless world. I see no future here. My exact thoughts in the afternoon.

Fine. I might do that. Meaningless world. :D Smiles. Bye

Thursday 10/04/08, 9.45pm

Cool. Feel so dead today. Not having enough sleep is really getting me. Somehow, it wasn't that bad either. Maybe I have gotten use to this feeling of death.

I didn't manage to do alot of tasks today. Smsing Green, email Xinyi once. Then, nothing. I guess. I don't feel the urge to do work for Everfeed. Sadly.

I keep having the urge to draw though. Man. Sigh. Maybe I'm just too tired and feeling hysterical.

And, I even went down to Bishan today. <_< What was I thinking anyway.... Doing stupid stuffs every day. I think I am digging deeper into my world of emptiness.

Sigh.

Alright. Smiles. Bye. :D

Alright. It is time for the entry of the month.

Being sometime since I blogged, which I can proudly attribute to my IAP which is sucking the life out of me. And also, I was feeling very miserable.

Over and over again, I began to notice that some stuffs are better left unknown. Sigh. I have to stop here...

Nah, just kidding. But it is getting quite late for me to type a long entry now. I still have to shower and stuffs. =/

Chatting with friends really get me away from the lonely IAP student mood. HA!

Ok, short entry.

Ciaos

Alright, currently at my IAP location.

Being some time since I blogged again.

Busy. BBL!

27th Feb Wednesday



Sitting at KouFu, using my friend's laptop. Finally a computer that isn't infested by games that will continue to suck my life away from me. So I decided to do some normal chatting online and typing my blog.



Feeling crappy. Real crappy. The emo part of me acting out again. I can't help but to feel this way. Engulfed by my emptiness. Someone had closed up on me. Made the wrong move. Wrong stuffs. I really didn't hope it will turn out like this. Not the first time I had made wrong decision, I guess. My whole life now is messed up due to wrong decisions.



The wrong result. The wrong me. I wasn't like this.



IAP. Attached to Everfeed Technology. Couldn't even find it on google map. Somewhere new, small, un-noticed. Hope it will be a nice place to work in.



But, it isn't a good place to try to get to. There isn't any public bus services. Well, hopefully there's a company bus that can take me from Woodlands.

Sitting at Macs now as there isn't any power point at KouFu.

Still, I'm feeling very crappy now. Emptiness rox! Sigh. Talking to people is somehow a way to perk me up a little.

Oh shitz. I seems to have forgotten to blog about my zoo trip? Did I?

Alicia even made a powerpoint presentation for it. :D Private stuffs, come my place and I will show you.

Yeah, Alicia, Vinvin and Hao decide to go out as a group that day. It's after exam, and we are all graduating [Let's ignore the fact that I'm doing 1 more semester]. Somehow, Alicia was very concerned whether we will meet up after we get out of polytechnic. True, friendships are fragile, but I think we will maintain it somehow. LOL

I suggested to go to the zoo and they seems pretty ok with it. Alicia even suggests going Night Safari too. Ha. So, we did. Took lots of pictures, lots of fun and laughters. :) It's definitely better than staying home playing dota none stop. =/ The day before the trip, at Edomondo's place, we were doing that. Kinda frustrating as we kept losing. Little kids are pawning us!

:D Yup. Next times

Ah, new day.. Ok, guess all my friends in polytechnic are going to their next phase of life. NS, Uni, or work? I still have one more semester to go. Regrets inevitable.

Anyway, waiting for my results now. LiangK smsed me that I passed. He really takes care of me. Heh. Nice lecturer.

Hey, if you haven't notice, there's this baby egg at the main page of my blog. Help me level it up? :D

Playing Fiesta due to the coercing of my friend. Uh Ok.

Pretty much the same, feel like going out for some bball.

Okay, examinations over now. I wonder when my attachment is coming. Weird.

Stayed over at VinVin's place last night, after playing rounds and rounds of dota. Sucks. Hate losing, but oh well. Ate breakfast at KFC, then went home to shower and rest. Ended up watching animes.

Allen Walker is cool. :P

Alright, went down to Sembawang to play some bball with Leo's and his friend. OH MY GOD. THE BASKETBALL COURTS THERE ARE SO COOL. THERE'S NO ONE THERE. Shucks. Ended up wasting my time playing with small kids and we lost. :P I don't wanna hurt them. =X

Anyway, today is ending in around a minute or so. And I'm going to start work again. The break was nice, but costly. So, Goodnight.

Oh yeah.. being some time since I wrote something here. Kinda busy lately, exam, CNY , and etc.

Yup. About my previous entry, yup. That was the end. Nothing nice to write, unless if you wanna talk about the 25 ants that I ran over, or the 3 blind mices that was squashed, or the big bad wolf that was hospitalized after being hit by me?

Right.

Anyway, CNY. Cool. Food. Food. Food. Drinks. Drinks. Drinks. Fat. Fat. Fat. Lots of chocolate out there tempting me. Vanhouten, Rocher, Herseys, and some other expensive ones. DUDE! WHY IS THERE SO MANY CHOCOLATES OUT THERE? I THOUGHT THERE SHOULD BE MORE BAK QWA?!

Nevertheless, it was fun. Hong-bao moneh was in minute amount but it should be able to sustain me not working for the time being.

Anyway, there's alot of good looking girls out there. Geez. (random remark)

Just ton at polar place yesterday, sorta like a CNY dota celebration. - - JW and takki. Oh well Tired. I should take some rest.

Seeya.

Well, I went out to cycle today. LOL. Ok. Teh End.

Friday Chalet was fun. :D Lots of foods. Lots of it.

Peiying, Brenda, Anthony, Lynn and Feng Tao was there when me, Leo, Ben and Polar reached the pit. Cool. Peiying looked gorgeous that day. :P First time seeing her wearing something else other than gi? Somehow, after Ben reached, they stopped cooking. Sadly. But we got to eat some of the chicken breast that they bbq-ed.

Ben took over, and well, not bad either. Crayfishs, soft shell crabs, chicken breasts and other etc. Dammit. I want more crayfishs. And I brought Dry Gin to share, somehow Lynn got abit high. The usual get together session, and stuffs. And some "childish" gun shooting, should had just use a knife and stab someone. Well, it is on my to-do list now.

Pei Ying and Brenda left around 10.30am. Ivy was told to stay over by her mom. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that she arrived after us. Had fun with GH3, walking around, and stuffs. Anyway, thanks Ivy for being around. I thought of more stuffs.

So, Anthony had his birthday cake and song. And the rest played and played. From this, I know I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings and people. Cause I couldn't write anything else.

All ended in the morning. Ivy pang seh me =/. I woke up from the little nap I had, and got to know alot of stuffs I missed. Lots of stuffs that even I thought wasn't important. It started to think more. Haha.

I lost alot. I really did. I didn't appreciate what people gave to me too. Wasn't really that meticulous as I thought I were.

Worked as usual. Nice working environment. Bleah. Ended. Monday 12am now. What a waste of time. I'm still thinking and searching for a light in my life.

Come on, give me a tag if you are reading. I'm sure you know how to go to the tagboard with the link that is just beside of the link that lead you here.

Cool. Well, nothing much is happening, without considering that the final tests are just around the corner, overspending, Valentines' Day, Lunar New Year, working, hanging out with pals, playing games, NOT going to lessons, overeating, procrastinating, not getting slimmer, blaming life, and there's really nothing else to do.

Today, hanged around in school after school to help Alicia with her scalpel modelling. I found out that she is still VERY angry/frustated/unable to stand/hateful/ZOMFGWTFBBQ with Leo. Sigh, Why do I have multiple gal pals that can't stand some of my guy friends? Sigh Sigh Sigh. Forgive them please?

Anyway, I had also wanted to get a bicycle, but by the time I figured out something for Alicia's scalpel, I had to leave the lab after which me, Leo, VinVin and Hao went down to Kranji to have a budget nasi lemak, after which then we proceeded with my plan of going down to Marsiling to look for the shop, after which we found out that it had already closed for the day , after when on the way home, I met YangHeng who told me that Jiawen was playing bball at the court, so I went to play some bball with him and then after we went to get a drink before going home.

And so, that concluded my day.

I think I have pretty much given up on my emotional needs. Lets fill it up with the materialistic ones. :D Guess I'm just kidding about it. But it seems like it is really tough to be Okayasu.

BRB.