I'm feeling lost.

Ask me what I wanna do? What I wanna be?

I don't know. I really don't know. Just feel like idling the rest of my life away.

Nothing really interests me anymore.

I have no aim. From a long time ago? Now no motivation. No drive. No feeling. I'm indeed turning oblivious.

How much do I care?

Lost.

=]

Looking for a job. xD Anyone recommend me?

Happy Birthday Polar. Lol. Wow.. first thing I said after being away from blog for so so long.. Just nice eh? I couldnt remember until he said it. Sigh. I dont even remember my parents birthday, I have to be fair right?

Sigh. I think I love myself more than anything else. Selfish me. Why am I even saying this? Is there any links? LoL. W00t. The self reflection blog. AKA talking-to-self blog.

AH.. I forget what I wanted to write the past few days, as again I procrastinated and often sinking in my inferiority complex. W00t.

Inferiority complex due to my looks, weight, hair loss. Ahh... all belongs to the 'looks' category.

Why is it that I think I'm spending too much time with my gf that I don't have much of my own? Is it just me? I want freedom? Independance Day! Nah.. I just hope my gf could be more independent. Read some old mag lying around my bed. (ya my bed) Some articles about how girls can keep guys commited. Blablabla...

Cant blame her too. xD Im not Mr Nice guy anyway. Hahahahaha. I feel like exercising evryday, but I end school ard 6 everyday. She will be expecting me to go home to play game with her, or go her house to play with her, as well as watching 9pm serial.

To be serious, my eating habit remain pretty much the same, but I used to play basketball 24/7 even when I had have a gf. Ask polar. He knows, or at least his sister knows. Yea yea.. I'm still as selfish as ever. Fun more important than everything else eh?

Ok, back to myself.. I think love is so... LoL. To make me think I love you? Simple. Just break my heart and I will know. If not, I won't. If I feel nothing when you try, means.. you know. <-- this paragraph sucks.

I'm so bored with school. So boring. I keep saying to myself that, if I wanna study, no one can beat me. But I think this killed me. I really sucks now. Studies.. sigh. Just getting bad to worse. Why cant things be as interesting as when I'm still young.. like primary school? Is my self complanace (com-play-cent..WHATEVER) growing out of proportion of my real abilities? Or m I just lazy...? Skikamaru rocks, but he's a genius. I'm just slight abv avg in IQ. Polar isnt doing too well himself already. (His IQ higher than mine...as much as his fats =X [the difference is getting lesser {hey,this means im getting cleverer??}]) =D

Alright. Be back later. (the word 'later' works wonder, as there isnt a limit, unlike 'tomorrow')

Some time since I blogged.

Yaya broke her collar bone this wednesday during a rehearsal which she wasnt in the first place. I noticed her during the front part of the rehearsal, maybe I should had stopped her. But I didnt know such things could happen.

She in great pains this few days, as TTS wanted her to wait for a week til she can see a specialist. Her condition of the bone isnt that good already, why cant the hospital arrange the appointment some what earlier? So she do not need to go thru the pain and popping of useless painkillers. Maybe SGH could gave a better service.

Anyway, she is emotionly unstable this days. Regrets, and keep thinking that she is a disabled person now.. and that she will nv recover or last the 7 days of waiting. I do not know how to console her. Just hope that being around with her will make her feel better. 5 more days to go, hope everything will be fine. Muack Yaya, Jia you! =)

Back here again. Used to only come here when Im sad and depressed. Thus, feels abit weird that Im blogging now.

Actually Cant really remember what I had wanted to write a few days ago.

Went polar house to bai nian. The last day to get hong bao. YEAH~ It wasn't really fun, but still I enjoyed the friends' company. =) Sigh, once a year. Maybe not that long, but it's really hard to meet up. Well, at least for someone like me. Yeah, I can't be bothered to go organize all those stuffs. Not that I don't like, it is just that my irregular planning would probably end up in a bad plan anyway. =P

Oh! Xinyi and Subi got together. Shocked. >< Quite lar. Maybe I just don't know what type of guys Xinyi like, that's why I had feel abit shocked. Jason, was abit too. As long as she's happy bah. I have no rights to say anyone else.

Vexed. =) Seems to be going well still with yaling. Wonder how long can this last. Maybe I can't love something forever. Maybe. Who knows what's coming for us in the future? Maybe I had die. lol. Just found out that the syndrome for dengue was somehow like leukemia too. Rashes appear on skin... low platelet count. xD ha.. Luckily it wasnt leukemia for me. =) dengue is good enough.

Anyway, Bored. =}

=]

Am I really emotionless? Unfeeling?

What is wrong with us? We were still playing game together happily. Til something in the game made her angry. I couldnt stand her attitude and talked to her harshly. Quarrelled. Being like this. This process just repeats itself on different events everyday. Smile, laugh, quarrel, cry. Becomes a routine. I couldn't stand it. I started being harsh on her attitude.

She let me know that it was my irresponsbility that made her stop being nice to me when I do things wrong. Thus her attitude. So, it was my fault. Ultimately, it strains the relationship. I hate it. I'm a carefree person. She don't like it. Too carefree she says. No plan, no goals. No emotions.

There was one time, her manager at hotel dont like her, thus stop her from working. She was sad. She called me. She started crying. I told her to stop crying. Stop crying for that bastard manager. She shouldnt cry. She got very angry with me. She says she just want someone to listen to her. She is sad. She want someone to comfort her, not to tell her to stop crying. She feels that I'm not doing my part as a BF. I told her it is ok to lose that job since it has a F-up manager. She says it is hard to find a job and a job that she likes.

I was stumped. I don't know what to do. Apologising wont help. Was I wrong? Was I really wrong? Am I that bad as a BF? I was at a loss. It happens all the time. Our characters.. Who should be the one changing? Both of us blame it on our characters. She hope I will change.

If it is that easy. Changing someone's character. 5 tears. Why won't she change then? Am I selfish? Why do I feel that she's selfish too? Aren't we all selfish?

Counting my tears. Why would I be tearing now.. when I didnt even shed one yesterday.. Countable tears.. so little.. Maybe I'm really emotionless. Oblivious..

Blog.

Seems like it happened. At least I won't make her cry for my irresponsbility anymore. I don't want to ask her back to hurt her again. Let her go.

My character...

Will I change?

Uncertain of what to do now. Prevented it from happening so many times. Hurt her that many times. My little acts that which I think was alright, hurt her so much. It's not on purpose, but it's still caused by me. Caused so naturally. Am I wrong? Where am I wrong? Why can't I feel that I'm wrong? She had told me so many times. I said sorry that many times. But I never change.

Maybe it's still the best to let her go. She's giving more than I can return.

2 drops of tears. I'm still not good enough for her.

Hmm. again. 3rd post of the day. It rained. =D I fell alseep. And well.. as I thought.. i couldnt hand up marketing report.. so im pretty depressed. but What could I do.. there was no miracle. =D

Sleepish. Crappish. Damm my bro's BOA songs. go away.

Wait. Im back here again. Yeah. from reading blogs. wtf is with ruo ying blog.. someone took over and use some hidden languages or codes? valerie's not working.. polar going fine..

I think Polar is the only readable blog on my links. For me at the very least.

Sad. Whats with me. The urge to blog again.

Noooooooooooooooooooo.

Bye.

CNY

CNY! Shortforms for the win. =D

Was down for dengue a few days ago. for a few days. Pretty new experience. TOo bad it wasnt a life-and-death experience, if not I may treasure stuffs more. =D

Wait. what should I write. Im bored. I was late for blogging this entry. told someone that I had blogged a few nights ago. HA! GOT WAIT?

Not sure what to type. Good morning. 6.33am. maybe i should go to sleep. =D

Sigh. Dont think I could hand up my marketing report now. =( oh whatever. Sleepz FTW

=/

Hmm, Bored. Bored. Bored.

www.archspace.org - playing this game now. As well as maplestory, WC3.

Sigh. I really hope some friends can play this together with me. But, all of them think it is too difficult or tough to learn to play. So I'm bored.

Nearly broke up a few times with her already. Holding on. Mixed thoughts.

Anyway, my life is still the same. But, I'm really losing hope in my life. Too bored with everything. Maybe I'm more suited for single life. It's the reverse when you are single. ROFL.

Ok. End. Nothing much to say as I'm on the phone at the moment.

=)

YoYo~ I think piyo is the only one reading this now. Haha. If there is anyone else reading this, please let me know. It may or may not affect my blogging habit .... from seldom...to barely seldom? =)

Pretty much forgot about everything before my holis, just that I'm gonna do badly for my exams. Anyway, went for the 3days Judo camp. Nothing sort of EXTRAordinary, just EXTRA tired, since I had been missing for trainings for a month. Yea, sorta dis-motivated. Gaming is so much easier. Just need a chair and move little fingers only. Understand my power-saving scheme?

Let's talk about the camp. Was late for the first day due to yaling not wanting to wake up. LoL. Slept late due to late packing. But she stil forgot to bring her sleeping bag the next day. ^^ whatever.... and she brought her wippo there!! ^^ whatever... AND.. ya.. I acted like a big shot being very late. HoHoHO! Merry Xmas. Enough of side tracking. Normal training after that, then there was this black belter, Ivan sensei. I don't really agree with his goal. Nxt para.

He said, "The most important part of competition is to win." yea, seems alright. ",even if you play dirty." ok, not fine with me. Is he being too honest? Nah, dont like him, but I will stil use his technique. Hees. I'm a hypocritc..argh how you spell that.. h-i-p-p-o-p-o-t-a-m-u-s... hmm seems right.. Anyway, he taught for an owl only cuz he's a busy man. ^^

Night run concludes the first day. Food sucks except for a few meals, drinks ok except for a few meals, not enough supper. ^^ Save me from saying all this later.

5am 2nd day, Mr Francis woke us up for morning run. Rain in SINGAPORE!! Get the tix! Nah, it was a rainy morning but stil he wanna run. So be it. I'm a very team guy. Everyone go! YooSH! Ran to Pierce reservoir from NYP. Boring. Too boring. The big problem is.. not everyone is as fit as one and other. Then we have to wait and wait and wait. I dont really feel like running. Anyway, the rain made my shoe as wet as a soaked seaweed after the whole thing, so I threw it away. Adidas FTW.

Btw, Francis was not supposed to be in the picture for the camp. So, somehow, some OBVIOUS way, SOMETHING not nice happened. Not going to elaborate, but I don't feel too good if someone was to overwrite my plan.

2nd night ended after training at Katong. Yeah, went out to our sensei's dojo. Small but cosy. Cool skills taught and learnt. By now, body isn't feeling too well. Aching.

3rd day, we went to train at Bishan Park Sec. Woo, I know they will be good. But I didnt know we suck that much. Secondary is the prime time for you to really join a cca and learn something. Poly is just too much of a hassle. Anyway, I used a technique learnt from katong and choked a guy from BPS. ^^ happy! yeah. modified tech. but I didnt play with that sensei from BPS. bad feeling. Lols.

Took a cab back and rest. Then swam. Then watch a stupid show, which no one wants to watch except me. Then Xmas xchange. Then end. Nothing much. LoL.

End End End End End End End.

Did I lack out lotsa of stuffs? haha. I know I know. Nvm larrzz. Post too long le.

New.

Great. I'm back again. Don' think there is anyone reading my blog anymore. After a long period of pausesage. Whatever that word means. Somehow my tagboard had been taken down by fooble. Great. Cus no one wants to even scold me for not blogging.

Joseph Ng Jun Wei is very tired. Yea. I want to...[omg.. my english is so bad tht i cant find the correct phrase,word,sentence.] VENT my frustation. Somehow, I know I cant carry on my life like this anymore. Like what? Like playing games everyday, like wanting to play everyday, like wanting to sleep every moment. like....I got the feeling that I will be unfaithful to my girl. Like I want all distinctions for my studies but not still slacking like last sems. Like wasting money on my girl. Like wasting my time on frigging transports due to the that.

Ok. No. It's not my girl's fault. I think a good guy wouldn't mind a girl wanting to be with him every moment. I'm just not good enough, and I hate being clamped between friends, girl and games. For my sake, please avoid causing me to enter such dilemma, cause I might just freak out and screw everyone.

Privacy, room for me to write my tots. Nah.. this is not the place. I don't want to get my girl upset when/if some mofo/SOBs proceed to tell my girl about my rantings. Nah, no one I can talk to. Guys are bad listeners and girls are ...well... my girl get jealous pretty fast. I'm tired. Tired. I hate the "Do you love me?" stuffs. Does 3 words prove anything? I rather find someone to read my heart, then to get myself to try to understand myself.

Yeah, I'm a loser that don't know what HE wants. Except for pleasures without effort, free money, free food, everlasting time.. I'm tired.

I don't think I want a useless tagboard. Just send me comments thru msn. maybe I would create another blog to post my tots. Tired.

ESP

oseph, when it comes to psychic abilities, you have an unusually strong talent in the area of Remote Viewing

This means you have an uncanny ability to travel great distances with your mind, to virtually any location, and actually get a true glimpse at what is located there. The best conditions for traveling space with your mind, or remotely viewing another location, are silence and a calm state of mind. Even without these conditions, you managed to show considerable talent in this area, which is called remote viewing. This skill is phenomenally valuable and has been used by institutions such as the government to help in covert operations designed to retrieve information about the whereabouts of a criminal or to learn about the operations of another country. But mostly this can help in practical, everyday ways, such as instinctively grabbing an umbrella before making a trip to the next town over even though you had no way of knowing that it was raining there.

Joseph, the thing you need most in a relationship is Deep Connection

In your ideal relationship you and you partner would be deeply and passionately connected. This sense of intimacy is really important for you. As is the need for certain rules and an understanding of who wields the power in your relationship. But regardless of how this works, your deep need for this kind of closeness will ultimately drive your relationship.

----------------------------------

Joseph, you're Calm, Cool, and Collected

Do your friends like to lean on your shoulder? Ask you for advice in life and love? Put you on speed-dial for emergencies? We bet they do. You're as balanced as they come. When it comes to making decisions, you're not afraid to take the time to weigh your options carefully in order to make the right choice. And it takes more than a few obstacles to rattle your cool head.The good news is that you've also got lots of heart, and you make sure that people know that you always have their backs. There's almost nothing more important to you than the people in your life, so being a support to them is the coolest thing around. Just like you.

Joseph, you're a Bashful Kisser

Sure you might be on the shy side as far as kissing goes, but that's a quality more people than you might think really go for. When you were younger, was it hard for you to talk to new people — especially when it came to someone you were interested in? Yeah, we thought so.Lucky for you, many people, back then, and now, think that shyness is adorable and a huge turn on. After all, there's a comfort they get from the feeling that you don't lock lips with just anyone.When it comes to kissing, you're probably a little hesitant to try new techniques. Heck, you might even prefer to stick with gentle pecks until your date finally decides to take it further.While shyness is nice, just remember not to get so anxious you forget to have fun! Know your comfort level, but experiment a little — even if that just means a public display of affection, or we dare you, a nice long kiss — eyes open, lights on!

-------------------

Joseph, you're fit to commit because you know what you want

You don't need us to tell you that you're on the right track. A cool and confident person, you know what you want; now it's just a matter of finding it. Even more important, you know that love is about much more than what kind of clothes they wear or car they drive. And you're ready to make it work.You've gotten to a place where you are happy with your life, and you're ready to share it with someone special. So whether you've found them or are still looking, know that this time, you'll get what you want.

monday

First day of the break. Mmm. not really.. but it's monday. The blues.

Chatted with yaling the whole day yesterday. No life. Yeah. Time passed quickly with games and it was midnight already. So.. Yeah.Slept at 4.30. Woke up at 1.30? Should be around there. Haha.

2 hours had passed. Did nothing significant. Smsed yaling. Talked to Juey. (He's damm bored and asking for ppl to go out) Talked to JY. Auntie Joyce talking to me now. (Mrs Polar.) LoL. So yeah. I'm bored.

Let's write abt last Friday. Met up with Leo, Yaling for cheap lan-ing. In the end it wasn't. Usual rate. Played til 11.30pm. Tekka mall. Somewhere at Little India. haha. Then, erm, we decided to walk walk. Because Worm dont wanna go home. (figure it out) We walked to city from there? Gosh. Shaws tower. Bugis. Then we were lost at Cityhall. Haha. We decided to go Cineleisure to watch midnight show. erm. Yeah. Wandered. Stopped and ate a 7-11 store. Not bad. (typo. yea. we ate a store.)

Walking and walking. Erm, we got to cineleisure? Thanks God! Yea, because He didnt rain fireballs at us. Anyway, we reached there at 2am? lol. Benchwarmers at 2am slot. Chiong in ah!! YL was like wanting to watch horror movie. Yea. To my horror, we didn't. =] Benchwarmers. Retarded nipper twister! WooT! Laugh. Retards.

Anyway, after that, 3.30? Decided to pool? Walk over to.. erm.. Dhoby again. Wanted to bring them to a place where I went last time during Joanna's bdae. Remembered the route. somehow. Woot. The place had being closed. Wth. Then I toppled a stone pillar. [ lol. x) ] Angry! Nah. So, we figured that we could take the Night Riders to wander around. 3 dollars to everywhere. How cool? Took NR6 at Park Mall. All fell aslp. Shoo-ed down at Pan Pac Hotel.

We waited for bus. 4.30am. Hey, why aren't the bus stopping. Puzzled. THEN WE FINALLY KNOW THAT NIGHT RIDER SERVICE ENDS AT 430AM. GO TO HELL. MYUK! lol. damm.
So, we went to sleep around.. to wait for MRT service to start. Hotel. SHooed. Citybank ATM WOOT!! SLept!! Hee. =] COol. Cold airconditioning. Woke up at 6. Left me and YL there. Where's leo. -_-" and who is that couple there? Angmoh and Chinese CB. =X Faster wake up and went to look for leo. Paiseh sia. my god. Leo came back from the toilet.

Went down to Citylink. COntinue sleeping at. erm the cafe near MPH. Okie. Shooed. Fine. SIngapore is not wanderer friendly. Yaling came back with us to Woodlands. Me and leo had a change of clothes. Then we went to eat breakfast at Vista point. Followed by a walkwalk at NTUC civil and then CWP. LoL. YL reserved a shoe. (just one. (jking)) Leo went home to sleep.

Then I sent YL home. Afternoon. Slept over til around 5pm. Went to buy cup noodles and had it as lunch. Stayed there til 7pm. haha. Then I went home to sleep. End of friday.

Cool. Adios.

=]

Wednesday.

Well well, 4 days since I last blogged. Had been busy cum lazy. You should know the feeling of not wanting to doing anything after a long day. yea.

Nothing unusual happened. Caught a movie with Pris today. Xmen. =] COol show. All the effects. The storyline is good too. bah. But.. there's some parts that feel like a horror movie, and then some parts are arousing. Oh well. =] *woohooo*

Haha.. about my feelings. It's still the same. No. No one in particular. Looking through the choices. No one is really that special yet. That's how I'm feeling now. No matter how cute or pretty or nice, there's aways better. I'm not sure what I'm searching for. VOID. Unstable.

But I know I'm still yearning for someone that I can/would like or love or.. whatever...care.. Damm. I'm just lazy.

And, school works. Boring boring. Maplestory is better. -_-" at least I can stay at home. Don't feel like going anywhere. Tests, projects, practicals. I can do them. But..

That's pretty much about all. [Maybe it will all ends up with passes and move on to the nxt sems. (I can never get into university bah)]

Cya.

Saturday.

Saturday.

Sleep.

End. Adios.